Chapter 4,
In which we examine the anatomy, the physiology, and some of the psychology of male sexual response, from a practical point of view
If you want to sexually enslave a man, it helps to start with a good understanding of the workings of male sexuality. In all likelihood you already have most of the knowledge you need: you’ve read other books, gathered a good deal of practical experience, and refined your skills as a lover. Still, there are a few things I feel I ought to mention—things that aren’t in those other books because their authors don’t share my perspective—things that may have escaped your notice as you accumulated your experience, perhaps because the men in your life were trying to avoid being known too intimately. I’m going to fill in what the other books leave out, and I’m going to try to do it without repeating too much of what they say.
Let’s start by considering a man in the most ordinary of sexual states. It’s been a while since his last orgasm, but not so long that he’s starting to get horny again; sex isn’t on his mind. Still, it’s been long enough that he’ll respond favorably to sexual stimulation; he won’t feel bothered or pressured by it; rather he’ll enjoy it and turn on.
Surrounding the neck of his bladder and the upper portion of his urethra is the prostate gland. It’s slowly producing one of several fluids that will be mixed together and pumped out the next time he ejaculates. The prostate is spongy (though firm) and the fluid it produces remains within it until it’s expelled. Another fluid is secreted by the testicles. This fluid carries sperm cells and, unless the man has had a vasectomy, travels through two tubes (the vasa deferentia) to a pair of reservoirs called the seminal vesicles, there to await the next earthquake. The seminal vesicles are located above the prostate and behind the bladder; their outlet passes through the prostate and into the portion of the urethra that the prostate surrounds. Besides storing fluid produced in the testicles, they secrete a fluid of their own. Over time they fill, pressure within them builds, and they distend. They’re drained only by ejaculation.
If the man encounters no sexual stimulation, the production of sexual secretions continues at its usual slow pace. When enough time has gone by, and enough pressure has built up in his seminal vesicles, the man starts having sexual feelings and fantasies. He’s horny—perhaps not extremely so, but definitely horny. What seems to happen (though it’s unproved by the scientific standards of the medical world) is that pressure in the seminal vesicles is felt as a need for sexual release, as lust.
If, instead of letting this happen by itself, you sexually excite the man, the process is speeded up. When he’s aroused, more fluid is produced in a shorter time and the seminal vesicles fill faster. Prolonged stimulation also leads to a feeling of congestion throughout the reproductive system and a dull ache in the testicles. The man becomes desperately horny, often in less than an hour, and he’ll do almost anything to have his lust satisfied. If he’s like most men, he’ll let you tie him up no matter what he fears you might have planned, just so it includes emptying those reservoirs.
If you stop stimulating him, perhaps because the demands of the real world separate you, and if he has things to do that take his mind off sex, the feeling of congestion and the ache will dissipate, but his seminal vesicles will still be full and he’ll respond readily to stimuli that are even vaguely sexual. If he sees a line drawing reminiscent of a nude woman, for example, he’ll feel a twinge of arousal before the cause registers in his consciousness. He’ll easily drift into sexual fantasy, which will cause another erection, accelerate again the overfilling of his seminal vesicles and, if continued for any length of time (as is likely), bring back the feeling of congestion and the ache.
Prolonged stimulation or fantasy also leads to the production of a clear lubricating fluid by Cowper’s glands, located near the base of the penis. This fluid doesn’t accumulate, but is secreted into the urethra and, if there’s enough of it, leaks out the tip of the penis without producing any sensation along the way.
Men are highly subject to arousal by psychological stimuli, including their own fantasies and the Loop. Almost none, though, can reach orgasm through psychological stimulation alone. Furthermore, men have few erogenous zones, and stimulation of these, though arousing, won’t induce orgasm. Orgasm is reliably brought on only by a specific form of stimulation of the penis.
Still, erogenous zones are fun to play with and therefore worth looking for. The common ones are the scrotum, the perineum, the anus and the nipples. The scrotum is best stimulated by lightly running a couple of fingers along its surface, parallel to the middle of the body, in either direction or both. If the perineum is erogenous the technique is the same, likewise the anus.
The effects of nipple stimulation vary greatly. Most men exhibit a strong erotic response to having their nipples played with by hand, sucked or licked. Some don’t respond at all. A few find any stimulation painful. One of my lovers could tolerate only the lightest licking, but found that erotic. At the other extreme are men who are aroused by having their nipples pinched, bitten or even clamped. Experimentation will let you know what works best on your man, and you’ll have a lot of fun finding out; just don’t start at the rough end of the spectrum or you may undermine your partner’s trust.
Though stimulation of erogenous areas other than the penis will almost never of itself induce orgasm, it may do so when combined with a level of penile stimulation that alone would be just as insufficient. If, for example, you’re fucking your man slowly and with short strokes—which you know from experience won’t make him come unless you keep it up for a long time—sucking his nipple at the same time might put him over the edge in seconds.
The penis is designed to be effectively stimulated to orgasm by friction with the vagina, but the details of that design aren’t at all simple. The penis is a large organ, and only two small parts of the surface have sufficient sexual sensitivity so that stimulation will reliably induce orgasm. One is the frenum, where the glans (or head) meets the undersurface of the shaft and seems to be split in two by a continuation of the slit in the tip. The other is the corona—the protruding ridge at the edge of the glans where it flares out from the upper surface of the shaft, diametrically opposite the frenum. During sexual intercourse, regardless of the position used, these two areas are stimulated by the walls of the vagina, and it’s that stimulation that precipitates the man’s orgasm. If you’re on top, you can control the intensity of the stimulation by varying the length and speed of your strokes and the tightness of your vaginal muscles.
From a physiologic point of view, it doesn’t matter whether you apply the stimulation with your vagina or your hand; stimulation of the frenum and corona induces orgasm, and does so reliably.
This is a different matter from the question of how a man likes his penis handled. That varies. One likes to be gripped tightly and pumped roughly, the skin dragged along to rub against the underlying tissue; another likes only a fingertip touch along the undersurface. For every gradation in between, there are men who like it. If I’m involved with a man, I try to learn his preference, but it doesn’t really matter because most of the stimulation I apply is psychological rather than physical. When I’m ready to make him come, one of my own favorite techniques will always work.
The most effective of these—reliable even when used on a man who’s only moderately horny—is to lightly massage the undersurface of the penis with one hand, brushing the frenum with each stroke and sometimes running the fingers over the scrotum, while lightly massaging the upper surface with the other, brushing the corona with each stroke. This approximates the stimulation his penis would receive in your vagina. Your hands may be synchronized or not, or synchronized some of the time, depending on how exotic you want to get.
Another technique—a more effective variant of Rena’s—is to position the lower segment of your thumb against the upper surface of the shaft, crosswise, just below the corona; wrap your index and middle fingers loosely around the shaft; then move your hand smoothly up and down so that with each stroke the thumb slides over the corona while the pads of the lower segments of the index and middle fingers slide over the frenum. Adding to the stimulation, the web of skin between your thumb and index finger will naturally tend to brush against the protruding ridge on one side of the glans, while your fingertips will brush the protruding ridge on the other. If you’re right-handed and the man is lying on his back, this technique is most easily practiced from his right; if you’re left-handed, from his left.
With either of these techniques, the lubricating fluid that the man secretes can become a nuisance. It dries partway and gets sticky, interfering with the free motion of your hand. This isn’t a problem if there’s too little of it to notice, or so much that it can’t dry, but most men produce just enough to be troublesome. There are two ways of dealing with it. You can squeeze it out of the urethra and wipe it away before it starts to dry, or you can use a lubricant that overwhelms it, such as mineral oil. (Mineral oil packaged as baby oil has a scent, even if the label says it doesn’t, that turns some men on and others off; there are very few to whom it does neither.) If stickum becomes a problem and you don’t want to use mineral oil, you can clean it up with a damp cloth or your tongue.
(This seems like a good opportunity to explain why I have so little to say about fellatio. I regard it as useful for just a few very specific purposes, such as cleaning up half-dried male lubricant or inducing an erection. Otherwise I avoid it because it limits communication: you can’t talk; you can’t see your lover’s face nor he yours; you can’t even get a good view of his cock.)
My third technique for inducing orgasm by hand is the least reliable. It works only on a man who is very horny and lying on his back, but it has two advantages, one of which is that the stickiness of drying lubricant doesn’t get in the way. What I do is rub my palm against the frenum and nearby portions of the underside of the penis. The motion of my hand, of course, is parallel to the axis of the penis, not crosswise. What makes this technique so appealing is that since the man’s cock isn’t held in place, its responses are put on display. At moments of particular excitement, its rigidity increases and it presses against my hand, which amuses me greatly and embarrasses my partner to the same degree, especially as I tease him about it. And there again we have the Loop.
As a man approaches orgasm, the muscles of his pelvic floor contract and his cock stiffens. If stimulation is withdrawn as this starts to happen, the man will usually, but not always, slip back from the edge; the muscles will relax and his cock will lose its extreme stiffness and become only ordinarily hard. If stimulation is continued, though, orgasm begins. The fluids stored in the prostate and seminal vesicles are pressed into the upper portion of the urethra. The man feels a tingling inside and knows he’s coming; he’s going to ejaculate and there’s no longer any way to prevent it. Semen starts flowing into the lower portion of the urethra—the part that runs from the base of the penis to the tip.
At some point the muscles of the pelvic floor relax for a fraction of a second, releasing the extreme stiffness of the man’s cock. Then they contract again, giving the urethra a hard squeeze. His cock stiffens again and spurts at the same time.
The pressing of the components of the ejaculate into the urethra continues until there’s nothing left to deliver or until the ejaculatory spasms end, whichever comes first. The ejaculatory spasms continue for some minimum number of spurts if stimulation stops immediately, or until stimulation is withdrawn (which may not be until long after the supply of fluid has been used up) or, in extreme cases, until exhaustion sets in. The spasms are spaced four fifths of a second apart. After the first spurt, the muscles of the pelvic floor relax again, exactly four fifths of a second after they did the first time; then they contract again, and a third stiffening of the man’s cock coincides with a second spurt four fifths of a second after the first.
If the man has been trying not to come, but loses control and feels the upper portion of his urethra start to fill, he can delay ejaculation only so long as he can keep the muscles of his pelvic floor contracted, holding off that first momentary relaxation. It won’t be very long. Sometimes he can do it long enough so that some semen traverses the entire length of the urethra and leaks out the tip of the penis before the first spurt, though that doesn’t signify a strong effort to hold back unless you know it’s unusual for that man. Once the muscles of the pelvic floor take that first little break, the spasms follow each other uncontrollably at intervals of four fifths of a second; the man can’t delay the second spurt as he can the first.
Each of the first few spurts causes the man an intense thrill of pleasure. It doesn’t matter how desperately he may have been trying not to come or why; he’ll still experience that thrill with each spurt. And (unless he’s both uncommonly inhibited and in a position to prevent continued stimulation) once the first spurt has overcome him, he can’t help but want to pump out the rest. This, too, happens regardless of how hard he was trying not to come, or for what reason. Say he got himself in a spot like that boy in Maryland, but he has more experience. He knows what might happen, and he fixes in his mind a determination to maintain control, to preserve some measure of dignity. First he tries not to come, and of course he fails. As his cock stiffens and he feels that tingle, he resolves to put on an air of detachment and remain as still as possible even as he ejaculates. With the first spurt, though, his resolve is obliterated. He arches his back and thrusts his hips, overwhelmed by a mad desire to do what he must, no matter how embarrassing. This desire is separate from the reflex contractions of his ejaculatory muscles and separate from the pleasure of each spurt. It takes possession of him completely, a primeval force that’s been around longer than fur or feathers, but which is still him, and more genuinely so than the complex personality it displaces.
Not only does a man’s attempt to hold back his orgasm fail to diminish its intensity, it actually makes it more powerful. It’s like building a bigger dam. When it finally bursts, everything in the path of the flood is devastated. If a man has been wanting an orgasm as if to scratch an itch, it might amount to little more than a sneeze in his penis; an orgasm that he’s been trying to resist will overwhelm him. His whole body will convulse; his emotions will go bonkers; his mind will be wiped. It’s something to see!
At some point during a man’s orgasm, fluid stops being pressed into the urethra. In some men, this ends the process of ejaculation, and continued stimulation of the frenum and corona has little or no effect. In most, though, it brings only a need to end the process of ejaculation, and continued stimulation keeps the reflex spasms going, accompanied by a feeling of distress at being unable to stop them.
Few women get the opportunity to observe this phenomenon; a man whose orgasm has gone on long enough is usually in a position to end the stimulation without making his partner aware of his vulnerability. Some men, though, become so sensitive that when they fuck, they need to pull out immediately after ejaculation; the continued pressure of the vaginal walls on the frenum and corona, even in the absence of motion, is too much to bear. If you’ve had such a lover, you’ve had an unusual opportunity to observe the male need to protect the penis from prolonged stimulation, though he might never have explained what was happening. (Men, as we’ve seen, tend to be secretive about their vulnerabilities, and there’s many a man who would rather leave you feeling puzzled and rejected by his hurry to put some distance between you than let you know that his cock is too sensitive to leave in your pussy.)
Most men don’t become quite that sensitive, but continued active stimulation of the frenum and corona causes them distress. You’ll see it if you’re fucking your man from above and you hold his wrists down, tighten your vaginal muscles, and continue thrusting after he’s come; or if you tie his arms away as I did Patrick’s and continue rubbing his frenum and corona with your hands after the spurting of fluid stops.
If you want to hold your man in this state—and I recommend that you do, at least occasionally—there are four things you should know. First, it can’t do any harm. The distress of continued stimulation isn’t pain (though some men may call it that) and it doesn’t reflect tissue damage—not even temporary damage. When you stop, your partner’s distress ends immediately, and that brings us to point two: When you stop, even for a few seconds, the ejaculatory spasms also stop. If you resume stimulation, it will have little or no effect, so don’t take a break until you’re sure you’re done.
Third, the stimulation you apply must be specifically to the frenum and corona. The nerves that end there are the only ones that reliably force continuation of the ejaculatory spasms; if you milk the shaft alone, the spasms will end, comfortably, when the supply of fluid runs out. (If your man is an exception, great! But don’t expect it.)
Fourth, your man’s cock itself will give you some help. You can feel the continuing spasms and use them to time the motion of your hands, which makes for a much more effective sort of stimulation than a random beat. And for as long as you keep the spasms going, the process of detumescence is slowed, giving you a convenient degree of resistance to rub against. Usually you can even continue fucking if you don’t give your partner clearance to pull out.
For a period of time after a man has an orgasm, he’s physically incapable of responding to sexual stimulation. The length of this period varies from one man to another, and isn’t always the same even for the same man. It tends to be shorter in younger men and ranges from seconds to hours. In my experience, five to twenty minutes is typical. During this time, a man has no sexual desire and is likely to find any attempt to stimulate him irritating, both physically and emotionally.
This refractory period is followed by a time during which arousal is physically possible, but stimulation is still likely to be perceived as an annoyance. The man just doesn’t want sex. Even if he’s tied down and normally finds you irresistible, you might not be able to make him come. If he isn’t tied down and you make advances, he’s likely to develop a severe attack of performance anxiety. He gets worried that your continued acceptance of him is dependent on his meeting your sexual demands of the moment, and that not being horny, he’ll fail. That worry kills whatever capacity to respond he may have had. Perhaps he starts a petty squabble so he can reject you over some silly issue of his own choosing rather than be rejected himself as sexually inadequate.
I’ve always taken care that my lovers don’t fall into this unpleasant state. My method is simple. I don’t attempt to arouse a man who isn’t ready for it. I’ll be affectionate. I’ll cuddle. I’ll let him know that I love him and that I appreciate his love for me. But I won’t lick his nipple. I won’t take hold of his cock. I won’t put my pussy in his face, or even suggest he play with it. I won’t do anything that says, I want sex now, until I know he’s ready.
My reason goes beyond a desire to save him from performance anxiety. I want my lover always to think of sex with me as something he craves, so I keep the supply at least a little behind the demand, sometimes way behind the demand. That keeps him in the habit of wanting me, and the possibility of not wanting me doesn’t enter his mind, even though I know there are times he doesn’t.
What would happen if, for example, I were to have him eat me when he was sexually satiated? He would experience the sight, smell and taste of my pussy objectively, as sexually neutral. I don’t want that to happen. I want him always to look forward to the opportunity to see, smell and taste me, and to find me a turn-on every time. I don’t want to give him one chance to be objective about my pussy because I don’t want him to learn how.
The obvious question is, What’s the good of having a love slave if you can’t use him as you please?
A simple answer is that I can use him as I please, but the relationship will go better and last longer if I’m considerate, realistic and sensible in my demands.
A more complete answer is that sexually enslaving my partner allows me to manage the relationship, and I can manage it better than he can, precisely because I know better than to use him without regard for his feelings. One of the reasons I advocate female domination is that most women, given the opportunity, manage their relationships better than men do. We take a more balanced approach. We’re more mindful of our partners’ needs and desires even while looking after our own. My respect for my lover’s need to rest from sex is an example of this. If I subjected him to sexual demands when he needed to be left alone, he would come to resent it, just as many women come to resent the ill-timed sexual demands of their men. A relationship controlled by a woman who fails to consider her man’s needs will deteriorate just as rapidly, into just as deep a state of misery, as a relationship controlled by a man who does the same. With power comes responsibility. Inevitably.