Chapter 5,

In which the reader is invited to take an inventory of herself for the purpose of gauging how well female domination might suit her

Female domination suits some women and not others.  Would it suit you?  Letís ask first whether it appeals to you.  We tend to do well at what arouses our enthusiasm.

Some women are so far from enthusiastic as to reject female domination outright.  Their reasons are diverse, but theyíre all valid.  I can assure you that if you know female domination isnít for you, youíre rightóit isnít.

Some women are interestedómaybe even more than interestedóbut theyíre committed to relationships so nearly perfect as to discourage tampering.  If it ainít broke, donít fix it.  Perhaps, but if your relationship is so solid as to be unbreakable, you wonít really be taking much of a risk; if your interest in female domination is strong, acting on it might be worthwhile.  Maybe your partner even has fantasies of becoming your love slave.  Perhaps when you met, he sensed that youíre the sort of woman whoís capable of enslaving him and thatís part of what attracted him to you.  Of course itís hard to be sure, but you might suspect it, especially if he gave you this book.

Women who try female domination usually do so out of either enthusiasm or desperation, sometimes both.  Enthusiasm is simpleóThatís for me!  Lemme at him!  Desperation is more common.  A woman is committed to a relationship that her partner is making insufferable and she needs a way to overcome his stubborn refusal to change.  Women who try female domination out of desperation are sometimes enthusiastic, but not always, and desperation is certainly nowhere near as good a predictor of success as enthusiasm.  A woman who is desperate without being enthusiastic will often succeed if she still has some affection for her partner, likes sex, has the personal attributes that make an effective dominatrix, and is reasonably comfortable with both the idea and the techniques of female domination.  A woman who has come to hate her partner, dislikes sex, feels thereís something unnatural about female domination, or is disgusted by the techniques of female domination, wonít succeed.

Unfortunately, though revulsion guarantees failure, enthusiasm doesnít guarantee success.  Enthusiasm makes success likely, but itís possible for a woman to believe in female domination as an ideal, even fantasize having a love slave, yet still find the actual doing of it so alien to her nature that she canít.  What Iíd like now is to invite you to assess yourself for the purpose of forming a realistic opinion of whether you could succeed at sexually enslaving a man.  Perhaps the results will temper your enthusiasm; perhaps theyíll overcome your doubts if youíre unenthusiastic but desperate; perhaps theyíll reinforce your doubts; perhaps theyíll even reinforce your enthusiasm.  What Iím hoping is that an objective personal inventory will help you overcome both the contagion of my own enthusiasm and the discouraging influence of societyís conventions, so that whether you decide to use my techniques or reject them, your choice will truly be right for you.

The first thing to consider is whether youíre constrained by a taboo that puts these techniques beyond your reach.

Letís look at a couple of taboos.

Some women, even after twenty years of marriage, canít walk around naked in their own homes.  Canít!  Could such a woman use the power of her femininity to take control of her marriage?  Maybe.  It depends on what else she can and canít do.

Hereís a taboo thatís more remote, not even sexual:  Some women (and more men) canít make an honest and wholehearted attempt to correctly pronounce a foreign language; they have to deform it into the sound system of their own.  Taboo goes beyond reluctance.  Itís absolute.  It makes a behavior not just difficult but impossible.  If you canít use the techniques of female domination, you canít.  Sorry.

If no taboo prevents you from using the power of your femininity to control your man, thereís still the question of how you feel about it.  Think about what I did to Patrick that Saturday afternoon and imagine doing the same.

If the idea sexually excites you, or even if it just seems like fun, female domination will very likely suit you.

If you would feel ridiculousóif the slightest difficulty would make you feel like a fool who should never have tried such a silly stunt, while a perfect performance would make you feel like an actress in a play by Georgeann Cross rather than a real woman in a real relationshipóthen youíre not ready.  You may want to practice by doing other things that present the same sort of challenge.  If you learn to handle them well, itís likely that youíll also be able to manage female domination.

If it would make you feel like a guard in a Nazi concentration camp and therefore bad, youíre probably bumping up against a dogma thatís lodged between your feelings and your perception of them.  Try to work your way around the dogma.  You may find it helpful to pay special attention to the autobiographical material in this book.  Iím a dominatrix, but Iím no Naziónot even close.  As you get to know me, youíll see where the differences lie.

If you have a strong need to be dominated, and playing the dominatrix would leave you with a terrible sense of loss at having foreclosed the possibility of getting that need satisfied, your choice is clear:  go for what you need.  The purpose of this book is to help other women (and their men!) develop relationships that will make them happy, not lure you into one that will make you miserable.

If the idea of playing with a manís cock until he comes bores youóif it never interested you very much to begin with, and youíve done it too many times with one man or another to whom you felt obligated, when you couldnít bear to let him inside youóputting yourself in charge isnít going to make it any less boring.  Even if itís obvious that you need to do something to take control of your relationship, that need wonít make up for your distaste.  Your feelings will be apparent to your partner and negate the effect of your attempts to turn him on.

If you feel as I do that a manís cock is just about the neatest plaything ever invented; if you canít imagine ever getting tired of it; if you like the way it responds to your touch, the way your play opens your partner up to you, the spectacular show when he comes, the implicit affirmation that the power of your femininity is too great to resist and that thatís what makes it all happen, then youíll probably derive even more pleasure from sharing aloud the understanding that this wonderful plaything is truly yours, that the power of your femininity really overwhelms him, that you make him come.

I havenít covered the whole range, but you get the idea.  If you honestly find female domination appealing, not just as a political ideal but as something to do, youíre off to the best possible start.  Consider now whether you have the qualities that make it a realistic option.

 

Trustworthiness

One attribute thatís absolutely essential is trustworthiness.  We can examine it in either positive or negative terms, and though I prefer the positive, weíll start by looking at the negative.

If a man distrusts you, heís not going to be your love slave, and heíll distrust you if he has reason to suspect that you mean him harm.  If he distrusts you, he certainly wonít let you tie him up (unless heís in a suicidal depression) and, while you might not want to tie him up very often anyway, his acquiescence is symbolic of the degree to which heís willing to give himself over to you.  If you want to sexually enslave your lover but he doesnít trust you, youíll have to earn his trust or you canít succeed.  Coercion alone wonít work, at least not for any length of time.  Itís certainly a useful tool for overcoming a manís initial resistance, but it wonít hold him.  True, a token level of coercion may always be necessary to keep your relationship from reverting to the conventional, but if your lover has any means of escape at all, the only way to keep him enslaved over the long haul is to lead him to the beliefóhis own belief!óthat heís best off as your love slave.  He wonít believe that if he distrusts you.

Letís look at the positive side nowóat what you and your lover stand to gain if he trusts you without reservation.  Heíll share his most secret thoughts and fantasies with you and love you for accepting them, as well as for using what he tells you to make your control over him all the more complete.  Heíll regard you as a safe haven where he can be loved for himself without having to worry about the judgments of the world outside.  When you make decisions for the both of youóthe kind that men usually make so badly in conventional relationshipsóhe wonít feel resentful because heíll know you care for him and have his needs at heart.  If you treat him lovingly and keep his secrets, heíll respond with a level of devotion thatís rarely seen.  Heíll try to do even more to meet your needs than you do to meet his.

Many times a man has told me, as we rested together after Iíd teased him to exhaustion, ďThat was so embarrassing!Ē

My answer depends on my mood and on the effect I want to create.

ďMm-hm!Ē

ďI know.Ē

ďNeat!Ē

ďWait till you see what I do Saturday!Ē

Occasionally I answer more seriously.  ďIím happy to be able to give you a safe place to enjoy it.  Thank you for trusting me to know you like that.Ē

That sentiment is as much a part of me as the teasing is, and sometimes I feel the need to say it.  It always brings a warm response, and the exchange affirms the caring and respect behind the kinky sex.  Itís one of the benefits of trustworthiness.

 

Empathy

Another quality you need in fair measure is empathy, so you can read your loverís feelings quickly and respond to them effectively.  Youíll be teasing him a great deal, and you have to learn what kind of teasing turns him on, what kind is perceived as mean, what kind has to be avoided because it triggers the recollection of some childhood horror unique to him.  Youíll make mistakes, and sometimes youíll have to apologize for a hurt and administer emotional first aid.  Women in general are good at this.  The development of empathy is part of our basic training; weíve always been expected to take responsibility for our relationships, even when we werenít permitted to control them.  If you skipped basic training though, and never made it up, and now find that you canít always tell whether someone is laughing or crying, it will make for difficulties.

From a positive perspective, a high degree of empathy enables you to play the Loop perfectly.  Youíll be able to gauge your partnerís responses accurately, youíll know where his attention is focused, and youíll always be sure of what to do and say.  Empathy will also make your lovemaking more spiritually rewarding; youíll be able to read not only the more obvious of your partnerís responses, but his every fleeting emotion.  And youíll know that each one is something that you causedóa gift of feeling from you to him, perhaps exquisitely subtle and complex, made possible by the power of your femininity.

How empathetic are you?  If empathy is alien to your nature, please hesitate, at least, before proceeding.  If, on the other hand, youíre Empathy Personified, a relationship that you control should be most gratifying to both you and your man.

 

The ability to communicate effectively

A dominatrix has to be able to communicate well.  Youíll be aiming to produce a certain psychological effect in your lover, and this effect is achieved almost entirely by a combination of speech, facial expression and posture.  If youíre to succeed, you have to speak well, mug well, and carry yourself well.  If you talk in a monotone, if there are words you canít bring yourself to utter, if your face has the blank look appropriate to a high-stakes poker game, if you carry yourself as though youíre waiting in line to be guillotined, then youíre going to have problems in any relationship and lots of problems in one that you try to control sexually.

If youíre to feed the Loop, you have to be able to tell your man what youíre going to do to him, exclaim over the reactions of his body, and leave no doubt that you know what heís feeling.  If you want him to know that heís safe with youóthat you accept him for the person he isóyou have to say the words.  Whatever you tell him will be more believable if your tone matches the content of your message, and all your speech will be more effective if itís well-modulated.

Your face is also a means of communication.  Its expression can convey love, curiosity, determination, enthusiasm, and a host of other feelings.  If you know how to control it youíll accomplish a great deal.

Your posture can project confidence or betray fear.  It can express lust, boredom or hostility.  Adjust it purposefully and the message your lover gets will be the message you intend.

As you take control of the nonsexual aspects of your relationship, youíll have to let your partner know what you want and need from him, what he must and mustnít do.  If you fail to do this clearly, then punish him for misunderstanding you, heíll develop resentments that will undermine the relationship.

Consider how well you communicate.  Do people often misunderstand you or misread your mood when you think youíre being straightforward? read you too well when youíre trying to deceive?  If so, it might be a good idea to take a couple of courses in communication and acting at your local community college before you try the role of dominatrix.  If you already communicate effectively and know it, youíre all set to go.

 

The ability to act strategically

To take control of a relationship, itís necessary to act strategically.  To maintain control of a relationship itís necessary to continue acting strategically.  You need to gather and remember information about your man, implement long-term plans without arousing suspicion, and generally do the right thing at the right time.

Letís look at some of the preparation that went into my afternoon with Patrick.

During our first two months together, I learned his bowel schedule.  When I tied him to the bed, I knew he could comfortably stay put for as long as I might need.

Until that day, I took care never even to mention any form of lovemaking except fucking.  That created a context in which he was virtually certain to be embarrassed at having me bring him off by hand while I watchedóand not just a little!  It also ensured that he would find the varied sex play of the following months exotic and exciting.

The second time we fucked, I got on top.  I wanted to see how he liked it, and I found he liked it just fine.

I began our fifth session by telling him I was going to tie him to the bed and fuck him.  He couldnít feign skepticism, because he knew from experience that I could manage the female superior position.  Happily, he didnít argue, panic or ask whether Iím into whips.

It was on that occasion that I first advised him to empty his bladder before I tied him.  There are three reasons I bother with this.  First, itís intimate, it shows that Iím comfortable discussing so personal a detail, and it invites him to be comfortable initiating such discussions with me.  Second, it ensures that for as long a time as possible, he wonít be distracted by a full bladder.  Third, it shows that Iím concerned for his comfort, from which I hope heíll infer that Iíll treat him well while heís tied.

I didnít pull any surprises, just tried to gauge his reaction to the experience.  It was all I had hoped for.  He was excited in the extreme, he couldnít take his eyes off me, and his orgasm was the most intense weíd yet shared.

The eighth time we fucked, I tied him again.  When he came, I continued thrusting my hips a little longer than I had previously.  I kept it up just long enough that he started to squirm but not long enough to make him suspect I was doing it on purpose.  Thatís how I learned he was one of those men who need the stimulation stopped when they run dry.  I found out without letting him know I was interested and without having to make him come by hand before I was ready.

I tied him yet again for our tenth fuck and had him start by eating me so he wouldnít find it unusual in the future.  I didnít do anything else that could have struck him odd, and I certainly didnít make him squirm again.  The next two times, he was on top and of course not tied.

Ask yourself whether you can manage this sort of thing.  Are you a natural spy?  Do you have the patience to time your moves strategically?  If so, youíll have much more fun with female domination than if not, and most everything you try will succeed.

 

A talent for teasing

Because of the nature of the Loop, youíll find female domination easier if you have a natural talent for sexual teasing.  Teasing can probably be learned, and ordinary skill can certainly be perfected to the level of an art, but natural talent makes everything easier.

There arenít any objective criteria by which you can gauge your talent for teasing, but every woman with whom Iíve discussed the matter knew whether she had it.  Some who knew they had the talent had a way of using it that was too mean to be sexy, but thatís a different issue.

Ask yourself whether youíre a natural tease.  If you are, you have much of what youíll need.  If not, perhaps youíll pick up enough pointers here to do reasonably well.  If teasing is badÖ well, give it another look.  Maybe, when youíve read further, youíll decide itís okay.

 

Attractiveness

What about attractiveness?  Thereís no such attribute.  Every woman is attractive to some men and repulsive to some.  A man wonít become your love slave unless you turn him on, so if youíre looking for a man and you know youíre going to want to enslave him, choose one who finds you irresistible.

If youíre already committed to a relationship, your attractiveness to your partner becomes very much like an attribute; itís what you have to work with.  Indeed it becomes an essential attribute.  You canít enslave a man who wonít turn on to you.  But that doesnít mean that just because your man doesnít get instantly hard at the sight of your body, you should give up without trying.  Weíll explore what it does mean later, when we discuss the differences between committed relationships and uncommitted ones.

 

Confidence

After youíve considered all the other traits that make an effective dominatrix (or better yet, after youíve read this book all the way through) thereís one more question to ask:  Can I really pull this off?

Confidence at this point reflects a belief, based on objective consideration of your other qualities, that female domination is for you.  Confidence is also an asset in itself, making you more difficult to resist.  If youíre obviously confident, your lover wonít try to rebuff you with a hostile or impassive front.  Heíll know it wonít work.  Heíll know that you know that the power of your femininity is too much for himóthat sooner or later heíll have to submit.  Itís a loop that feeds his Loop.  You succeed because youíre confident and youíre confident because you succeed, and he turns on because heís embarrassed by his inability to keep from turning on.