In which we examine the Loop
During Patrick’s fateful Saturday afternoon visit with me, I set up a situation that demonstrates a little-considered truth about the relationship between the sexes—a truth of prime importance to a woman seeking sexual power: If a man is horny to begin with, and the sexual chemistry between you is such that you naturally turn him on, and he’s physically unable to resist, you can make him have an orgasm; his will alone can’t prevent it.
It’s easy to see why this truth is so obscure. The situation doesn’t come up in most people’s lives. A man is rarely put in a position where he’s unable to resist what a woman might do, and when it happens, it’s not in the presence of a woman whose intentions are sexual. Even among couples who play at bondage the situation is rare; when the man is tied up, the woman doesn’t create in his mind a need to resist the stimulation she offers.
Besides, we’ve been acculturated to a view of masculinity that tells us that men are always eager for sexual release. We’re not used to thinking that a man might be subjected to sexual stimulation and try to resist it. This in turn feeds the rarity of the occurrence; the situation has so seldom been set up because only a few women have thought to do it.
Not all societies share this view. Anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski, in his 1929 tome, The Sexual Life of Savages, describes the yausa of the southernmost villages of the Trobriand Islands—a ritual sexual assault committed upon a man by a group of women. According to Malinowski’s informants, the group would first tear up their victim’s pubic leaf, so that he would have to go naked afterward and be unable to conceal what had happened to him. Next they would hold him down and display their genitals and stimulate his penis until it got hard; then one of them would mount him and fuck him until he came. If that didn’t exhaust him, another woman would take a turn. Eventually the man would be completely worn out. When he was, the women would urinate and defecate on him, paying particular attention to his face, and often beat him as well.
This sort of pastime is a bit much for so gentle and fastidious a person as me, and I wouldn’t like to see it become common in California, but it does prove my point. A victim of the yausa, once set upon by the gang, knew the script. It was, after all, a ritual, and notorious throughout the islands. Still, even though these women had destroyed his pubic leaf, even though he knew the pollution to which they were going to subject him, he couldn’t help but get hard when the right sort of stimulation was applied, and he couldn’t help but come when he was fucked. The power of femininity is truly irresistible.
There are two reasons it’s important to understand that you’re irresistible. One is that it builds confidence. Confidence gives you an even sexier aura and makes you even harder to resist—an effect that’s magnified still further when your man is unable to interfere with what you might do. Confidence also keeps you from being bluffed off course. If you set up the sort of scene that I did with Patrick, especially if you do it for the purpose of gaining leverage in dealing with a problem in your relationship, many a man will try a bluff to get you to stop as soon as he sees what you’re up to, and he’ll do it even while tied naked and helpless. He’ll ask in a disappointed tone, designed to make you feel guilty, whether you’re “that kind of person.” He’ll tell you that what you’re doing turns him off, hoping to stop you before you’ve had a chance to make your own observation of the intensity with which it turns him on. He’ll tell you you’ll never see him again. He’ll tell you more things than I can warn you about. Whatever he tells you, it’s best met with a confident demeanor. You won’t always succeed this way, but almost always. If you lack confidence—if you let yourself be bluffed—you’ll never succeed.
The other reason it’s important to know you’re irresistible is that if you’re to control your man completely, he has to know he can’t resist you, and he has to know that you know he knows. It’s actually necessary to demonstrate this to him, as I demonstrated it to Patrick, and to do so repeatedly throughout your relationship.
It might not be all that obvious that Patrick was trying to resist me. He certainly made no great show of it, but that’s because if he had, he would have been all the more embarrassed when the inevitable finally overtook him, and he knew from the outset that it would.
Patrick was trying not to come for several reasons, all of which I had given him for the purpose of creating resistance that I would defeat. One was that I was going to continue playing with his cock, in its state of sensitivity, until he promised to be my love slave. Continued stimulation would be distressing. Being forced to submit and make the promise would be embarrassing in itself, and it would also open up the possibility that I might use his sensitivity again in the future, either coercively as I used it that afternoon, or simply as a toy. He had never before had a lover who was aware of that possibility, much less interested in it, and it made him feel terribly vulnerable.
Another reason for his resistance was that I was going to watch him ejaculate, and that embarrassed him too. Sure, he had come in my pussy a dozen times, but I don’t have eyes there. Sure, he’d had other lovers, and it’s certain that some of his previous lovemaking had included manual stimulation that led to orgasm. Sure, it was obvious from my age and skill that during my life I’d witnessed the ejaculations of many men, and many times each. Still, on that afternoon, his emotional reality—the scene as it felt to him—was that he’d been tied up by a curious teenage girl who was going to make him have an orgasm so she could watch him ejaculate. And she would tease him about it afterward.
There was yet another reason for Patrick to resist, and it’s the big one: His orgasm would confirm that what I was doing to him was indeed an irresistible turn-on. It would confirm that he was turned on by the idea of being my love slave, by the fantasy of having to stand before me with his cock sticking out, by the expectation of having me watch him come, by the awareness that I knew how sensitive his cock gets after he comes, by my intention to play with that sensitivity. All these things were running through his mind and, because of what I was saying to him, he knew that I knew.
He was embarrassed in the extreme at being so obviously turned on by all that, and he was turned on by his embarrassment—by the feeling that all my attention was on him, that I’d taken control of his body, that I knew his most private thoughts and feelings, that he had no place to hide, that he was so intimately exposed to me in every way.
Stripping the last bit of commentary from that explanation, we’re left with the simplest possible description of the psychological Loop in which a man finds himself when placed in that sort of situation: He’s embarrassed at being turned on and he’s turned on by his embarrassment. I call it the Loop because that’s its shape—a self-reinforcing cycle made up of two components, each of which fuels the other. The way I take control of a man’s sexuality is to set up this Loop in his mind and feed it, doing this to add to his sexual arousal and that to add to his embarrassment.
Reduced to ultimate simplicity, the Loop might sound silly, far-fetched. With an appropriate context of circumstances and events though, like the circumstances and events of the afternoon Patrick promised to be my love slave, it becomes quite credible—different, to be sure, from what most people are accustomed to, but as credible as any obvious truth.
In the coming chapters, you’ll find a number of scenarios that illustrate the sexual dynamics of female domination, and the Loop figures prominently in all of them. You’ll also find a wide range of technical advice, and much of it will be focused on the Loop. Perhaps some of the scenarios will be built on circumstances that so closely match your own that you’ll be able to enact them almost as presented, and with good results. You’d do better, though, to use the scenarios only to help you understand the Loop and its possibilities, then steer your own course. Your circumstances, after all, are at least somewhat different from those of any couple described in this book, your personality is certainly different from that of any other woman, and your partner’s personality is different from that of any other man. If you develop a good understanding of the Loop, you won’t have to follow a recipe; you’ll know what you’re trying to accomplish and you’ll be able to find your way as you go.
An understanding of the Loop also enables you to feed it optimally—to say and do all the right things to enhance your lover’s perception that you control his body, that you know his most private thoughts and feelings, that he has no place to hide, that he’s intimately exposed to you in every way. Of course! If you want to create the impression that you know a man’s most private thoughts and feelings, nothing could possibly help so much as actually knowing them.
If that were the whole story of the Loop, its potential would be awesome enough, but there’s more.
First, the Loop has a way of getting burned in—it quickly becomes a man’s habitual mode of arousal. If you press your body against his and kiss him, not only does his cock get hard, but he gets embarrassed by knowing that you can feel it. Without additional prompting he gets further excited by his embarrassment, by knowing that you know he’s embarrassed, and by imagining what you might do with both his hard cock and his embarrassment. Even your smile, by itself, teases him about the secrets you know and becomes a powerful erotic stimulant.
Second, the Loop is addictive. Your lover begins to fantasize, even crave, scenarios in which his loss of control turns out to be especially embarrassing. His fantasies keep him turned on, and his awareness that it’s you who transforms fantasies into reality keeps him turned on to you in particular. As a consequence, his need for you is much stronger than it would be in an ordinary relationship. Because he needs you, he wants to please you. And his addiction to the Loop (and to you) can sometimes be made to compete with other, destructive addictions he might have, giving you a degree of leverage in getting them under control.
Third and best of all, the Loop can make a man love you with truly phenomenal intensity. We women have traditionally been more in love with our men than they, with us. This is because we’ve opened ourselves up to them, shared our secrets, and been accepted. At least that’s how it was early on, when love was new. Later, if things went according to the usual pattern, we continued to share what was important to us, and our words were barely heard and dismissed as trivial. Not as good as what we started with, but a pretty fair substitute when you consider the alternatives: it’s better than being rejected and it’s better than feeling obliged to keep everything inside as men do.
At the beginning of their relationships with us, men, too, open up and share their secrets. Love involves an exchange of vulnerabilities, and a relationship that doesn’t begin with mutual self-disclosure doesn’t get off the ground. Men, though, are raised to seek mastery over everything they encounter, including their women, so they soon find it necessary to erect barriers against us, hide their vulnerabilities, and do what they can to control us. In the process they lose the feeling of being in love, and it’s a great loss.
(Women who are bitter about being downtrodden will argue that men have done immeasurably more harm to women—stripped us of our humanity to a far greater degree—than they’ve injured themselves. I don’t disagree, but the question doesn’t interest me. Men don’t dominate me; I dominate them. And I do it to the good of both and the injury of neither. One of the thoughts with which I nourished my enthusiasm for writing this book was my conviction that few women who take control of their men will be so stupid as to follow the male pattern of depriving themselves of the closeness that initially made their relationships appealing.)
The Loop is a vulnerability that your man has to share with you. Unless he goes to the unlikely extreme of ending your sexual relationship, he can’t avoid the Loop; you can make it part of any or every sexual encounter. And once you’ve got him turned on, he can’t refuse to share his feelings; even if he’s as reticent as Patrick, his body will tell you everything. When you comment on what it does, even if only by saying, “Mm-hm,” he’ll know that you know.
It might be less than clear that the Loop is a vulnerability. We women are more matter-of-fact about such things, but men invariably experience it that way. A man is supposed to be in control—of himself, of his woman, of his whole world. The Loop is a loss of control over his own body and psyche that, unlike passing out in a drunken stupor, isn’t socially sanctioned. It isn’t regarded as common, either—at least not yet—so he worries that he’s perverted. Horrors! He has a dark secret! Other people might find out! Maybe it shows! He can find any number of reasons to feel vulnerable and insecure.
And so there you are, the two of you, and he’s sharing a significant vulnerability with you. He starts feeling that he’s in love with you. If you let him know that you find the Loop an endearing part of him, if you let him know that you don’t care that he’s perverted, if you let him know that his arousal and embarrassment together make a neat plaything, if you let him know that you can be trusted—that you appreciate being trusted—to give him a safe place to enjoy what he’s feeling, he’ll definitely fall in love with you, and in a big way. Don’t go so far as to tell him he’s not perverted, or that you wouldn’t want to lose such a neat plaything, because that will dilute his feeling of vulnerability, and with it the feeling of sharing his vulnerability with you, and with that the feeling of being in love.
When your man is both habituated to the Loop and in love with you, his love becomes a part of the Loop. When you say or do something that intensifies his embarrassment, he feels a rush of love as well. If you see this happen, you can tease him about how he can’t help but love you for embarrassing him. Do this with acceptance and affection, and it feeds the Loop, adding further to his arousal, his embarrassment, and his love.
There’s another way in which the Loop helps build a man’s love for you—one that’s more primitive. Love is nourished by sharp images of the beloved—snapshots etched in the consciousness, if you will. That truth is probably as little considered as the truth with which this chapter opened, but truth it is nevertheless, and if you think about it, you’ll recognize it as such from your own experience.
When you set up the sort of scene I did with Patrick, one of the things that happens is that your man pays attention to you. He doesn’t close his eyes and get lost in his own world, as men so often do during ordinary sex. He watches you. He listens to you. He builds a sharp mental record of everything that happens. When it’s over, he remembers every word you said, every move you made, every detail of how you looked, sounded and smelled. And for reasons buried deep in our brain stems, it makes him love you.
Patrick continued his relationship with me, as my love slave, for twenty-seven months. Obviously the reason wasn’t that he felt bound by the promise he made while tied to my bed. He stayed because I was the most sexually exciting partner he’d ever had, because he was more intensely in love with me than he’d imagined he could be with anyone, and because he felt more loved and accepted than ever before. That’s what the Loop can do.